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I think I finally understand why praying deeply, and praying often, slowly takes something away from you.
Your pride.
Because the more you pray, the more you realise how little control you actually have.
You keep coming back with the same fears, the same weaknesses, the same mistakes, the same hopes.
You ask for forgiveness again.
And then one day, somewhere in the middle of that prayer, a thought hits you.
How can I keep asking to be forgiven while I am still holding so tightly to what someone else did to me?
How can I ask for mercy while refusing to give even a little of it?
How can I stand before God with a list of everything I want, while forgetting how much I have already been given?
That is what prayer slowly does to you.
It makes you look inward.
Not at how good you are.
At how much you still need to grow.
You begin to understand that praying every day does not automatically make you holy.
Sometimes it does the opposite.
It makes you painfully aware of your own flaws.
Your impatience.
Your anger.
Your ego.
The grudges you keep feeding.
The mistakes you repeat even after promising yourself you would change.
And somewhere in all of that, you begin to understand Mahadev a little differently too.
Not only as the one you go to when you need something.
But as the one before whom you can stand with nothing hidden.
No performance.
No pretending.
No need to prove that you are good enough.
Just you, with all your flaws, your guilt, your anger, your confusion, your devotion.
And somehow that itself humbles you.
Because the closer you feel to Mahadev, the less interested you become in proving yourself to the world.
You stop asking to look powerful.
You start asking for the strength to become peaceful.
You stop asking to win every battle.
You start asking for the wisdom to know which battles are worth fighting.
You stop asking only for things outside you to change.
You start asking for something inside you to change too.
Make me softer.
Make me less proud.
Help me forgive.
Help me love better.
Help me recognise what I already have.
Help me carry grace without acting like I earned it.
Prayer begins to make you smaller in the right way.
You stop approaching God like someone who deserves everything.
You start approaching Him like someone who needs grace.
Someone who needs mercy.
Someone who is still learning.
Someone who does not have everything figured out.
And maybe that is where real humility begins.
Not in thinking less of yourself, but in finally understanding that you are no better than the people you judge so easily.
You are human too.
You fail too.
You hurt people too.
You need forgiveness too.
And when that pride begins to fall away, something else starts changing.
You become more grateful.
You start noticing the things that were always there.
The prayers that were answered so quietly you almost missed them.
The people who stayed.
The doors that closed and later made sense.
The ordinary mornings you once took for granted.
The peace that returned slowly.
The things you kept calling small until you realised how empty life would feel without them.
You begin to see that so much of what you once thought you deserved was actually grace.
And that changes the way you pray.
You stop asking only for more.
You start saying thank you more often.
You stop going to Mahadev only with your wishes.
Sometimes you simply sit there and say,
“I have nothing to ask today. I just wanted to be here.”
Maybe that is where devotion changes.
When prayer stops being only about receiving.
When it becomes surrender.
When it becomes gratitude.
When it becomes sitting quietly before Mahadev and allowing your ego to become a little smaller, your heart a little softer, and your mind a little calmer.
Maybe praying more does not make you holy.
Maybe it simply keeps bringing you back to the place where holiness can begin.
With love.
With gratitude.
With surrender.
And with the kind of humility that makes you bow before Mahadev and realise that sometimes the greatest blessing is not getting everything you asked for.
It is becoming someone better while you were asking.