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She asked him one night,
“When did you actually fall in love with me?”
He smiled and looked at her for a few seconds.
“I don’t know.”
She laughed.
“That’s a terrible answer.”
“No, I mean it. I really don’t know when it happened. I don’t think there was one particular day.”
He looked down at her hand resting beside his.
“I think you just slowly became important to me.”
“At first, I liked talking to you. I liked seeing you. I liked knowing that I would hear from you at some point during the day.”
“Then somewhere along the way, it became more than that.”
“I started noticing things.”
“The way you go quiet when something is bothering you.”
“The way you say you’re fine when you clearly aren’t.”
“The way you forget to eat when you have too much on your mind.”
“The way you get annoyed over small things when you’re tired.”
“The way you sometimes need someone around you but will never directly ask them to stay.”
She looked at him and smiled.
“You noticed all that?”
“Of course I did.”
He smiled back.
“I noticed more than you think.”
“I noticed how your voice sounds when you’ve had a bad day. I noticed how differently you laugh when you’re actually happy. I noticed that when you’re hurt, you don’t always talk about what happened. You just become a little quieter.”
“And after some time, I stopped needing you to explain everything.”
“I could tell.”
“I could tell when something was wrong.”
“I could tell when you wanted to talk.”
“I could tell when you didn’t want advice and just wanted someone to sit there.”
“I could even tell when your ‘nothing’ actually meant there was a lot going on inside your head.”
She stayed quiet.
He continued.
“I think that’s when it started feeling different.”
“When your day began to matter to me even when I wasn’t part of it.”
“When I wanted to know if you had eaten.”
“When I wanted to know whether you reached home safely.”
“When I knew you were sick and kept checking my phone waiting for you to tell me you were feeling better.”
“When you were upset about something and somehow I couldn’t completely relax either.”
“It wasn’t dramatic.”
“That’s what I’m trying to tell you.”
“It was very ordinary.”
“Almost boring sometimes.”
“I would see something funny and immediately think of sending it to you.”
“I would hear a song and wonder if you would like it.”
“I would go somewhere nice and think you should have been there.”
“Something good would happen and you would be one of the first people I wanted to tell.”
“Something bad would happen and somehow hearing your voice made it feel a little less heavy.”
He paused.
“Then you started appearing in my future without me even trying.”
She looked at him.
“What do you mean?”
“Just normal things.”
“I would think about travelling somewhere and imagine you complaining about the weather.”
“I would see some little café and think you would probably order the same thing you always do.”
“I would imagine having a place of my own one day and somehow there would be your things lying around in it.”
“Your charger somewhere it shouldn’t be.”
“Your cup on the table.”
“Your hair tie in some random place.”
“You telling me that I never keep anything properly.”
She laughed.
“That sounds accurate.”
“I know.”
He laughed too.
“And that’s what scared me a little.”
“Because I realised I wasn’t only imagining the beautiful parts.”
“I wasn’t thinking about some perfect version of us.”
“I was thinking about normal life.”
“You being irritated.”
“Me being tired.”
“Both of us having nothing interesting to say.”
“Going out to buy something stupid.”
“Arguing about where to eat.”
“You stealing my side of the bed and then denying it.”
“Days where nothing special happens.”
“And somehow I still wanted all of it.”
He looked at her again.
“That’s when I knew it wasn’t just attraction.”
“I didn’t only want your best version.”
“I wanted the tired you.”
“The confused you.”
“The angry you.”
“The version of you who thinks too much.”
“The version that gets scared and starts pushing people away.”
“The version that acts like she doesn’t care when she actually cares too much.”
“The version that sometimes doesn’t even understand what she’s feeling herself.”
“I wanted to know that person too.”
She asked softly,
“Even the difficult parts?”
“Especially the difficult parts.”
“Because I never wanted you to feel like you had to perform around me.”
“I don’t want you to always be happy because I’m there.”
“I don’t need you to always be easy.”
“I don’t need you to look beautiful every time I see you.”
“I don’t need every conversation with you to be interesting.”
“I just want you to be yourself.”
“If you’ve had a horrible day, have a horrible day with me.”
“If you’re angry, be angry.”
“If you’re sad and don’t know why, you don’t need to invent a reason.”
“If you want to sit quietly for an hour, I can sit quietly too.”
He stopped for a second.
“I think that’s what loving you became.”
“Not constantly trying to make you happy.”
“Just wanting you to feel safe enough to be honest.”
She looked at him differently after that.
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